Survive The Renaissance

No summer is complete without some trip to an amusement park, a water park, or a Disney theme park. But no glittery themed amusement is more technologically advanced in terms of separating you from your buck and commonsense than a newfangled olde-fashioned Renaissance Fair. And when it comes to healthy eating, you’re screwed.

I spent 4+ hours at the Bristol Renaissance fair this Labor Day weekend, and did my best to mediate the dining damage. But what’s a boy to do, surrounded by giant fried turkey legs, butter-dipped artichokes, Spanish fries, and olde-English slushies? They wouldn’t let me bring my gluten-free snacks past the gate. Once I was in, something about the environment made me want to eat like a sheepherder from the 16th Century. Of course, sheepherders could eat whatever the Hell they want – they walked 20 miles a day and burned off that turkey leg chasing little lambs over hills and dales. And died at 43 from some plague or tooth rot or something.

I made it about 100 feet into the Fair before I had to have a beer; then I was super-hungry from the 60 minute wait in the car to get from the exit to the parking lot, so we had to get some jerky. Then it was all downhill. Each mediocre choice opened the door for something worse – and everybody around me was eating delicious fried things and offering them to me. No wonder the ladies dress in tight corsets and the lords had blousy shirts with slimming vests! How do those workers last all summer without having heart attacks?

So here’s what I ate & drank:

1 beer
Chicken blobs on a stick with a dash of red peppers
½ a bratwurst sandwich, minus the delicious sauerkraut because I was sharing with my boyfriend
2 fried cheese balls
1 big piece of toffee while shopping in the traditional Renaissance gaming store
½ a big chocolate muffin
1 cup of coffee (that muffin was putting me to sleep.)
Massive sheet of beef jerky

It could have been worse – but it could have been a lot better: I could have kept from snacking off of everybody else’s snacks. I could have packed more food for the ride to the Fair, so that I wasn’t famished and vulnerable. (The salesclerk ladies hawking fried sweet things put their tip money in their cleavage – JUST LIKE FOOD VENDORS IN LONDON CIRCA 1530 MUST HAVE! YES I’LL HAVE THE CHEESEBALLS PLEASE!)

I just chalk it up to one big Cheat day.

Cheating

I read somewhere that one of Jackie O's responses to finding out she had cancer was "All those sit ups!"  No matter how healthy we are, we can die tomorrow, right?  Do I want my last meal to be garbanzos and rice crackers?  Well, maybe, because I have issues - but I'd rather have a chocolate feast, y'all, in my heart.

I like to cheat; I have to cheat to trick my brain.  A little splurging goes a long way - whether it's eating desert, or sleeping in (when I can), or skipping a workout to play guitar.  Or even having a boozy night to remind myself why I don't need to have more boozy nights.  Cheating is necessary.  Some people believe that cheat days shocks the body into processing fat and carbs; Some people feel that skipped workouts or easy workouts allow your body time to rest.  I don't know about all that - I just know that it lets off some steam so I can get through the day without eating a block of chocolate and humping the furniture.

Here are my thoughts about cheating:

1. Don't do it too often - if you do, it isn't a cheat, it's your "normal."  The very fact that you think of a splurge as a cheat insinuates that you know where your balance lies: Small meals throughout the day, exercise 3 or more times a week, some physical activity each day of the week.
2. Put your cheats into categories: a desert cheat, a main course cheat, a crappy workout cheat, the "I'm willing to walk two miles...to the ice cream store" cheat.
3. Cheat on the micro level ("Bro, can I get a bite of your pie...") and the macro level: Take a few days off from heavy exercise every couple of months.  Let yourself splurge a bit on vacations or at the holidays.  These remind you what balance feels like - and if you overdo the splurge, what imbalance feels like.
4. Remember - a cheat is a cheat; let it be the exception, not the rule.